Our Top Ten Tips
At Bayswater Support, we seek evidence-based care and are cautious about ‘affirmation’ only approaches to our children’s distress. Here we provide our top ten tips for when your child says they are trans.
1. Listen to your Child
This is the most important bit of advice: at first, listen. If your child tells you they are trans, or are unsure of their gender, perhaps it will shock you, so you may betray your alarm or get cross. Or maybe it’s not a surprise at all and you’re already well prepared to answer your child with sceptical counter-arguments. Either way: try not to. Your child is telling you something important and meaningful to them, as they try to work out where they belong in the world. It’s new territory for both of you and they are probably deeply unsettled, just like you. So don’t flip out, you’re the grown up.
Keeping communications open is very important, especially at this vulnerable time of change for your child. If their reward for confiding in you is you getting cross, they may not make the same mistake twice. If you don’t listen to them now, how could you expect them to listen to you later? There will be plenty of time later on for you to say what you think is going on. But especially early on, take the time to hear from them and adopt an open inquisitive poise, because it establishes that this topic is something that’s OK to discuss.
Your child may be following a script of sorts – maybe not one that gives them words to say, but which tells them what steps to take and how you’re likely to respond. Much informal guidance on the internet about coming out as trans tells children to anticipate that their parents will act as barriers to their realisation of their true self: parents are controlling, unsupportive, even transphobic. In a sense, it is a battle for your child’s trust so don’t play into advice like this. It can undermine the parental bond and that’s absolutely not in your child’s best interests.
2. Inform yourself
3. The Internet Is Not Your Family's Friend
Most of us parents grew up, if not without the internet, then certainly before today’s frantic social media gripped society less than a decade ago.
No generation of parents in history has previously raised children with unfettered daily access to such a vast ungoverned resource, where children can connect remotely with complete strangers and encounter extreme views. Online, we can all find it difficult to work out what is objective truth and what is someone’s subjective opinion based on their individual experiences.
documentary The Social Dilemma to understand the influence these algorithms have on the content of what we see online. If you judge your child to be of a suitable age, you might like to watch it with them, too.
If your child is visiting sites that offer them unrealistic or troubling ideas about themselves, their bodies and their relationships, you can remove access either by parental controls, or by changing your wifi router settings.
4. Play An Active Role At School
You may find yourself at school discussing your child’s gender identity and their aspirations for transition. This is one of those situations where you may have to actively advocate for your child to ensure that their best interests are served. A school will want to support you in raising your child but they may have ideas that do not accord with your own sense of what’s right for your family.
The TES (Times Educational Supplement) ran an article reviewing the available schools’ transgender guidance. The Transgender Trend guidance was deemed to provide the most comprehensive safeguarding advice for all pupils.
Good sources of information for approaching schools can be found through:
Always be courteous and recognise that teachers want to do their best. But don’t feel that other people’s assumptions require you to suppress your natural concern for your child’s welfare. Don’t be shy of asking questions. If you are concerned about the outcome of a meeting, put things in writing so that there is a record of what was agreed.
Encourage the school to recognise that this is a sensitive identity-formation issue that it is not well equipped to intervene in, in the absence of a close partnership of parents. As Bernadette Wren of GIDS has said: “Schools might wait for the parents to approach them before changing things like names in the register, uniforms, pronouns, toilets, sports. If a school just gets a whisper of a child who may be querying their gender and within minutes they are doing everything to make sure that child is regarded as a member of the opposite sex right from the word go — that may not be the best for that child.”
5.Consider Your Boundaries
Your child may want to ‘socially transition’ – perhaps they’ve already begun. It mainly involves dressing in clothes and adopting a hair style that signals their membership of the other gender, choosing a new name and asking people to refer to them using new pronouns. Girls will often want to wear a ‘binder’ to flatten their chest. Many children will also have read about transitioning medically – ie by changing their bodies via hormones and surgery – so they may be keen for a referral to GIDS, the NHS’s gender clinic for children, to access those interventions.
- What impact would the change have on siblings or home life or other pupils?
- Could the change be readily undone if your child’s plans changed? Some children have found it very difficult to reverse a social transition, which may open them to ridicule at school.
- Might the change foreclose your child’s thinking about sex and gender roles? Ultimately it’s that thinking that will help your child come to a mature understanding of their gender identity that will serve them well in the long-term.
An Australian mum, Alice Hope, has talked about her experience of raising a teenage daughter who identified as transgender (who later desisted) in two youtube videos:
Take a look at our article Breast Binding: Self Harm or Gender Care?
6. Help Your Child think Critically About Sex and Gender
By sex, we mean our bodies, our biology. By gender, we mean society’s ideas about how the two sexes should dress and behave etc. Nobody has ever changed sex (though doctors have become good at making it look like you have). What does your child think would happen if they changed? How would it improve their life? How do they feel the body they were born with is holding them back?
The issue of gender identity is widespread in today’s society and our job as parents is to help our children navigate their way through it without it causing them damage, from unnecessary health risks, a disrupted education, harm to family relationships, or loss of fertility.
Sex reassignment can be right for some people, but it’s never the easy option. Quite a few transsexuals – people who’ve had the surgery – are now expressing concern that children may only be seeing the sales pitch and not the small print (for example here and here). Young people who transitioned (whether medically or socially), only to realise it wasn’t right for them, are also sharing their experiences (for example here and here).
Don’t enforce gender conformity and try to model the behaviour you want.
7. Address Mental Health and developmental Issues
Children and adolescents presenting with distress about their gender are more likely to have multiple other mental health issues. Many parents report that these predate the gender issues, often by many years.
It can be much easier for mental health services to attribute the difficulties your child is having to their gender distress, rather than to a multitude of other contributing factors, such as bullying, trauma history, body image issues, distress over emerging sexuality or neurodevelopmental issues.
Try and explain your concerns that other issues are seen not through the perspective of gender, but contextualised in their physical, developmental and mental health history.
Regardless of gender identity issues, it’s vital to take care of children’s other needs. Things like autism are life-long realities that can take a long time to adjust to. Schools can make helpful adjustments where appropriate, but often only if there is a formal diagnosis.
If you choose a therapist, take care that they will see your child in the round, and will help them to explore their feelings rather than simply affirm a gender identity which may itself be a manifestation of their distress.
8. Be Prepared for the Long Term
When a child comes out as trans, whether they realise it or not parents might be seeking a ‘solution’. That could take the form of unquestioningly ‘affirming’ the child’s new identity – telling school to change their name, organising new clothes, teaching yourself that, where you used to have a son you now have a daughter, and so on – so that the ‘problem’ is overcome in the shortest time.
The psychologist Stanley Hall who coined the term ‘adolescence’ understood it as occupying the years from 14 to 24, and today’s neuroscientists also think of it as a developmental phase that concludes long after legal majority.
Have a look at our recommended books on adolescence and parenting.
Or perhaps parents will see danger in every anime book and teenage sub-culture, and organise a therapist for their child though they are not ready to talk.
Either way, it may be better to think of the trans identity as a gradual process that will probably occupy your child for at least a year and probably substantially longer.
Whatever the eventual outcome, identifying as trans is probably something that your child will feel has helped to shape them. Try not to let the trans ID dominate your life or theirs, and make decisions for the long term.
9. Help your child live a good life
For whatever reasons, your child has located the source of their problems within their own body. If you can, try to get them to start looking outwards at the world around them, rather than at their internal experiences where gender dominates. Try to keep things as normal as possible: going to school, clubs and hobbies and getting outside.
Encourage your child to engage in any activities where they are spending less time online ruminating about their gender, and model this behaviour yourself. If you want them to engage with the world, you need to do so too. If you want them off their electronics, you need put yours down too.
10. Look After Yourself
Finally: parenting a teenager can be exhausting at the best of times. Having a trans-identified child can place additional strains on family life.
The issue of trans children is one of the most heated in today’s society. Don’t feel like you need to follow every last social media post or argument.
Even if you feel that gender ideology has wounded you and your family, don’t feel it’s your responsibility to overturn the entire phenomenon. For the time being anyway, it’s present throughout society and your first priority is yourself and your loved ones.